Went to see The Brothers Grimm today. Long story short, it was bad. It was REALLY bad. I'm talking epic proportions bad. In fact, I can't even wrap my brain around how such a worthless piece of cinematic toilet paper could have even been greenlighted. Seriously, this movie made Bubba HoTep look like a work of genius.

Yes, it was that bad.

Personal Challenge: Day 8



Concerning my current level of frustration, I hope this is as bad as it gets. So far I have received only two call-backs, and neither of them went well. The first was from Virgin Megastore, which, of course, caused my heart to skip a beat. I had a lovely chat with the woman on the other line and she explained that Virgin was in desperate need of someone to work in loss prevention. "Great!" I said. "When can I come in for an interview?" Shortly thereafter, when I was all set to hang up with an interview in-hand, she asked me about my availability. When I told her I would be returning to classes at the end of September, that was the end of the conversation. The second call-back came from God-knows-who. By the time I got to the phone, they had already hung up, and unfortunately, my home phone does not have caller ID.

The mystery of not knowing who had called inspired me to actually spend the $20 to recharge my prepaid cell-phone, something I had been neglecting due to limited funds. Since then I have been sure to list my cell-phone number as my primary means of contact, thus eliminating the possibility of missing another potential call-back. This means I'm even more in the hole than before, but they say it takes money to make money.

I decided to make up a detailed resume in the hopes that it would save me a lot of time. Since most places ask for the same redundant information (name, social security number, education, employment history, references, availability, criminal history, yadda yadda yadda) I decided to create a resume to end all resumes. It would include everything one would find in a standard job application, but in greater detail and with the advantage that people would actually be able to read it (as opposed to my sloppily scribbled applications). I figured it would benefit me in more ways than one: it would stand out among the other applications and appear professional, and it would make it a lot easier for me to apply to multiple locations in a single day. So far, however, nobody wants the damn resume! I showed it to a guy at a local movie theater and he basically scratched his head. "But sir, we must'nt go against the sacred protocol! Your resume may be neat, organized and contain even more information than we ask, but still, we prefer that you show us your loyalty by writing out the same repetitive information by hand until you want to just blow your brains out."

But not all the news I have to report is negative. Remember the court appearance I mentioned in my previous Personal Challenge post? I was out of there in thirty minutes! The officer never showed up, so my case was immediately dismissed! This helped me clear my mind a great deal so that I could resume focus. Also, the manager at Big 5 Sporting Goods told me that I was the first applicant to get 100% on the math test, which leaves me optimistic that I'll receive a call-back from them. Big Lots was advertising an unloading and stocking position, which would be great for me because it entails working the graveyard shift. With a job like that I can avoid the heat of the day and work at a constant, quick pace, all while getting a great workout. We'll see how it goes.

Anyway, it's back to the mall tomorrow. Hopefully more businesses will be generous enough to accept the resume on which I worked very hard. I found out that the Ontario Mills website has a checklist for businesses that are hiring, so that ought to make for a great strategy. I've rambled on enough for one day, though, so here are the latest additions to my list of businesses. I've moved slightly beyond my three-applications-a-day goal, so that I can finish my 45 by the 31st and attend the Joy Electric album release show in Anaheim.

Radio Shack
Cingular Wireless
Wal Mart
Blockbuster Video
Empire Party
Big Lots
Toys R Us
Big 5 Sporting Goods
Check Into Cash
Subway (Fontana)
Subway (Bloomington)
The Coffee Bean
Red Lobster

Punk Rock is Dead
by Michale Graves
A CD Review by Kris Avalon

I felt it would be nice to digress, momentarily, from my job-hunting misadventures and do something that I have been intending to do for the past month now, which is to write a review for the new Michale Graves album. After all, those of us in the Conservative Punk sphere ought to look out for another, and with any luck this review will help Michale sell a couple more CD’s.

First off, I love the horror punk genre, with all its silly gimmicks. I was hooked from the first time I heard Die, Die My Darling playing on the stereo at a local gothic clothing store. There’s something about combining the innocence of 50s doo-wop with the sacrilegious subject matter of necrophilia and mass murder that just makes for great music (who’d have thought?). Add to that the carefree energy of punk rock and a heavy emphasis on minor chords to set the dark horror atmosphere, and it’s no wonder why the two-minute songs of a group of kids from Jersey turned into an entire movement.

For as much as I love horror punk, however, it’s hard to come by such music that truly lives up to its name. There are a few good bands out there, like Balzac and Blitzkid, but the majority of the bands in this genre are lacking. The Horrorpops aren’t really very dark, the Murderdolls sound too much like “Marilyn Manson meets Andrew W.K.” Calabrese and Dr. Chud’s X-Ward are a bit boring, and the Jackalopes and the Goblins just plain suck. The one artist who never disappoints me, however, is Michale Graves, and his new album, “Punk Rock is Dead,” is no exception.

The thing I have always admired about Michale is his originality, in the way he is able to fuse the conventions of traditional horror punk with elements of metal and goth music. Since leaving the Misfits in 1998, he has done things his own way, unconcerned about what the genre “should” sound like, which I suppose is why I give his music more credence than that of many of today’s Misfits-wannabe, cookie-cutter horror punk bands. His style is his own, consistent throughout his song-writing career, be it in the form of Graves, Gotham Road, or his current solo effort.

This consistency is perhaps one of the primary reasons why I so easily warmed up to the music on the new album. Hearing it for the first time was like returning to a place of peaceful familiarity. The unique tenor-esque timbre of Michale’s voice, the unconventional but flawless harmonies, the simple, addictive chord progressions, the pleasant variation of happy and dark melodies; the album is vintage Michale Graves, and I dare you to try not to sing along after becoming familiar with the music.

The first song, Beware, is an upbeat, 50’s-reminiscent song with the always-pleasing characteristic of sounding joyous and celebratory, until you actually listen to what the lyrics are saying. The second song (and possibly my favorite on the album), Teenage Monster, is so catchy and addictive it should be illegal. It’s basically a metal-oriented song, reminiscent of some of his Gotham Road-era songs like Sidewalk Ends, that beautifully illustrates how the light-hearted gimmickry of horror punk can actually underlie serious personal issues. He sings in the chorus, “I am growing up ugly and stupid; what has happened to me? I’m so different I can’t stand it. Teenage monster that is me.” The use of the word monster can obviously be interpreted both literally and figuratively, making the song multidimensional.

The next song on the album is Earth vs. Spider, another favorite of mine which starts off sounding like a rhythmic variation of Teenage Monster, but carries with it a more doo wop feel and shifts into a fantastic four-chord progression for the chorus. The next song, Exit, doesn’t have much of a melody, and admittedly I usually skip over that one, but it does demonstrate Michale’s old school punk side. The lack of melodious appeal in Exit, however, is more than made up for in 1119. This song starts off as being reminiscent of old Ozzy Osbourne, but the chorus bears more a resemblance to Fiend Club, a song from the Graves-era Misfits.

Storybook and Rhyme is stylistically similar to Beware and Earth vs. Spider, while Godzilla is darker and follows Michale’s former Misfits format of alluding to specific films (i.e. Dr. Phibes, Mars Attacks, etc...). Queen Taste has a bit of a psychobilly essence, which is a delightful change of pace, but unfortunately the chorus is a bit disappointing. Radio Deadly, however does not disappoint, nor does the title track, Punk Rock is Dead, which, besides having a great melody, contains some great lyrics about individualism. Michale brilliantly uses the cliché “punk rock is dead” in accordance with the horror punk glorification of death to essentially say, “so what?” As the chorus marvelously opines, “Punk rock is dead and I’m punk rock.” Given the message, Michale couldn’t have chosen a better name for his album.

The last song is Dawn of the Dead, which I think was a fantastic choice for a concluding track, and not just because it ends with the words “Goodnight, farewell.” The song represents the harmonious and melodically-appealing greatness that put Michale Graves on the map. Much in the spirit of Don’t Open ‘Til Doomsday, Forbidden Zone and Casket, the song is fun, easy to sing along to, and impossible to get out of your head.

So all in all, I have to give “Punk Rock is Dead” my highest recommendation. As I mentioned, there are a couple of songs I’m not crazy about, and Michale’s vocals are occasionally a bit flat, but these things in no way detract from the album’s positive qualities, which are infinitely greater. If you haven’t gotten it already, what are you waiting for? You can order it at http://www.merchmonster.net/

Personal Challenge: Day 4

I filled out my first three applications on Thursday, and I'm happy to say that things are right on schedule. I have been active at this thing for four days now, and I have filled out exactly twelve applications. I must admit that at first I was ready to bail completely, shut down the blog and go into hiding (not really, but I had forgotten how burdensome it is to track down, fill out and turn in three job applications, and in the dead of summer), but I am determined like never before to remain completely diligent. Here is my list, thus far, of the businesses I have applied to:

99 Cents Only Store
Payless Shoes (Foothill Blvd.)
Sav-On Drugs
Virgin Megastore
Rainforest Cafe*
Big Dog Sportswear*
Sizzler
Kragen Auto Parts*
Rite Aid
Ross
Payless Shoes (Slover Ave.)*
Burke's Outlet

The businesses indicated with a * are those that claim to be currently hiring. The rest are "accepting applications." At this point I kind of have my heart set on Rainforest Cafe (it's inside of a mall, the atmosphere is amazing and I'll be earning tips!), but I would be happy with any of the above (actually Virgin Megastore would ROCK, but that's more of an unrealistic fantasy job). If I can't see myself feasibly working at a given location without wanting to blow my brains out, then I simply don't apply. Peace of mind is everything.

Today I made the mistake of filling out my applications right in the heat of the day, around 2PM, and I can assure you I'll never do that again. For over an hour I dragged my way across the Target Shopping Center looking for potential employers, and by the end my brain was basically fried. I wanted to say "Screw it!" right then and there, and just forget the whole thing, at which point I wandered aimlessly around the wrong side of the parking lot, completely freaking out because I couldn't find my car (if I haven't already mentioned it, the heat and I do not get along too well). The problem is that I'm usually tired in the evening, and I'm never awake in the morning, so that basically leaves me with the hundred-degree afternoon. Tomorrow, however, I am determined to get up at a decent hour and take care of business before the rays come down to drown me in yet another river of heat-induced hallucinations.

On the plus side, this challenge has inspired me to go above and beyond my normal course of actions. In my right mind I would never bother applying for a commission job, and yet as I sit here I am writing a resume to be given to Cingular Wireless. Also, I've never been the type to remain focused on a task when presented with a more fun (but less important) opportunity, but on Friday night I did just that. I opted to be nearly half an hour late for an engagement so that I could finish filling out my three applications. That's not like me at all, but I'm glad I did it. For once I feel like I'm actually getting my priorities in order, and for that reason I already feel somewhat successful.

Anyway, I'm going to start calling places back tomorrow. Perhaps if I annoy the businesses to death, they'll remember my name. And that's always a good thing, right? Right? Come on! I'm sort of pissed off about this minor roadblock in the form of a court appearance that I must deal with on Wednesday, but that will be over soon. It's really annoying that this court thing is keeping me increasingly unnerved, shifting my focus and determination away from my personal challenge, but like I said, it is merely a minor roadblock. It's only a silly traffic infraction anyway (running a stop sign; I intend to win), and I'm not about to let it get in the way of my objective. I just hope that I'm not held up in court so long that I'm too exhausted to go out and look for work later on. Not that it will matter. As I've said before, I'm committed to this thing, and you can bank on that.

More on Thursday...

Kris Avalon Puts His Money Where His Mouth Is

A few weeks ago, in a post entitled "Who Is the Left Inspiring?" I proclaimed my refusal to accept federal financial aid as a means of getting through college. Well, God has apparently decided to call my bluff. This afternoon I received my monthly statement from the university, and as it turns out I am still about $700 short of meeting my student fees, even with my $1800 student loan. Apparently the "Educational Fees" for the new school year includes an extra $900 charge just for my having the privilege of gracing the steps of this fine institution of learning.

Now I could beg my family for the additional needed funds; I might even be able to appeal for the Federal grant I declined, but after some thought I have decided to put my money where my mouth is. If I am truly the laissez-faire, self-reliant neolibertarian Capitalist that I claim to be, then surely I can overcome this economic obstacle through hard work and determination. With that said, I present to you my 28-day personal challenge. My fees are due on September 15th, 28 days from now, and in that time I plan to get a real job and acquire the funds myself.

Here's the plan:

1) Each day from now (yes, I am starting this evening) until September 1st, I will fill out three job applications. That's 45 applications altogether. I will continue applying for jobs after the 1st if necessary, but my first basic goal is to have 45 applications by that date.

2) I am going to visit my local library and check out books that will help me brush up on my interview skills.

3) Until my goal is met, I will remain clean-shaven and dressed to impress everywhere I go. After all, I never know when opportunity might come knocking.

4) I will keep a running list of the names and phone numbers of each location I apply to, and will call them regularly to follow up on my applications and demonstrate my commitment.

5) I will constantly remind myself that failure is not an option.

"But Kris," you say, "even if you DO find a job by the 15th, there is a good chance you won't get your first paycheck until after the deadline, and it probably won't come close to the amount you need." That is very true, and it is the main reason why I want to secure 45 applications in the first half of my 28-day personal challenge, but it's really only a small concern. My grandmother has already offered to pay the needed funds completely, but if I find a job, I will need only to borrow the money for a couple of weeks to a month, not unlike a student loan. There's a big difference between accepting a handout and requesting a loan, so even if I don't start work until the day of the deadline, I will still consider it a victory.

So for the next month, this blog will basically be a journal of my progress. Check back often, as I will be frequently updating the status of my endeavor, and any encouragement would be greatly appreciated. I must confess that this challenge is the most ambitious thing I have ever undertaken, and it's a bit scary as I fully recognize that I could end up looking like a complete fool 28 days from now. I am at a disadvantage since A) I was born without sweat glands and am thus limited to applying for jobs that will not require me to work in torrid conditions, B) I must find a job that will be willing to work around my difficult school schedule, and C) I have only had one real job in my life (when I was 17), and I was fired from that one. Still, I am confident and optimistic, and I believe this challenge will be a testament to the opportunities available in this great nation. Call me an idealist, but I still believe in America, and it's time I started pulling my own weight.

So here goes nothing...

The Neolibertarian Network

This blog has just been included into the fantastic Neolibertarian Network blogsphere. I couldn't be more thrilled about it, and I hope you all check out the site (click the State of Liberty link to the right).

Essential Punk Rock



Looking back at my past entries, I noticed that my blog, "Of Punk Rock and Politics," is a whole lot of politics and not a lot of punk rock. I decided then to compile a list of ten punk albums that had an immense influence on me. So here they are: my personal punk rock recommendations.

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10) Generation X—anthology

For me this collection was an introduction to Generation X, featuring some great standards as well as rarities and live tracks. Gen-X represents some of the best in early punk rock, complete with all the rawness and rebellion that one would come to hope for and expect. Who knew that vocalist Billy Idol would go so far in the business? Features the hit "Dancing With Myself," which of course is a mainstream standard as well as a punk rock classic.

9) Mighty Mighty Bosstones—let’s face it

I know, this was the Bosstones’ major commercial record, released during that brief period when MTV was embracing the short-lived ska phenomeon, but it nonetheless represents some of the band’s best work. “The Impression That I Get” remains one of the best ska tracks around, and songs like “The Rascal King,” “Royal Oil” and “1-2-8” are true classics. This album embodies some of the best ska has to offer, and best of all, it’s great for dancing.

8) AFI—shut your mouth and open your eyes

After AFI grew out of their sloppy teenage punk phase and before they became a totally commercialized goth group, there was “Shut Your Mouth and Open Your Eyes,” the band’s darkest, most introspective and atmospheric record. This collection of fast-paced songs is brimming with raw anger and heartfelt agony, boasting such classics as “A Single Second” and “Three Reasons.” This album is a true piece of essential hardcore.

7) Minor Threat—complete discography

Complete Discography is Ian MacKaye’s personal effort in bringing together for the first time all of the songs from Minor Threat’s various EP’s and LP’s. This is truly a crucial punk rock collection because it contains the entire musical history of one of the most influential (yet sadly short-lived) punk bands around, a band known for its intensity, high speed and bold message. Vocalist MacKaye has said in interviews that it was never his intention to start a movement within the punk rock community, but such a movement is nonetheless alive and well thanks to the band’s classic anthem “Straight Edge.”

6) Bad Religion—no control

Much like the aforementioned AFI record, No Control represents the point in Bad Religion’s career where boys evolved into men. The angry lyrics for which they were known were suddenly articulated more intellectually, and absent was the lyrical and musical recklessness of their high school days. With No Control, it was clear that Bad Religion had become not only a great punk band, but an important element of the punk rock world.

5) Misfits—static age

As I began compiling records for this list, I knew I had to include a Misfits record, no question. They remain, in my opinion, one of the most important American punk bands of all time. Unfortunately, though, I couldn’t decide between Earth A.D. and Static Age. Both albums are superb and represent Danzig and the boys at their very best, but I ultimately decided that if I were stranded on an island and could only have one Misfits CD, it would have to be Static Age. Songs like “We Are 138,” “Last Caress,” “Teenagers From Mars” and (my personal favorite) “She,” make this one for the Hall of Fame. What I really admire is the fact that these are some of their earliest recordings, the three-chord collaborations of a small group of high school friends, recorded on mediocre analogue equipment. The young boys had very little to work with, and yet together they created punk rock magic and started a 50s-era-horror trend that artists today continue to emulate. And they did it entirely on their own.

4) Ramones—(self-titled)

Some will undoubtedly disagree with me, but I believe The Ramones invented pop punk. The British punk groups of their day like The Sex Pistols and The Clash may have been stamped with the same label, but The Ramones were clearly doing their own thing. In some ways, I believe they embodied the punk spirit even better than many of their punk rock contemporaries, as they did not feel the need to conform to the standard spiky-haired, body-pierced image. They were happy just being independent, and it was their catchy, doo-wop-influenced style that paved the way for modern pop punk groups like Green Day and Screeching Weasel.

The reason I chose their self-titled debut for my essential punk rock list is, in part, because of the many essential Ramones tracks it contains (“Judy Is A Punk,” “Blitzkrieg Bog” and “Havana Affair,” just to name a few), and also because it stands as a prime example of the quintessential Ramones sound, long before they started experimenting with darker punk styles. Most importantly, it’s just a fun album to listen to. It won’t make you hate the world; it won’t make you think deeply about the larger society (though there are some very astute political undertones). It is above all, a great album for singing along.

3) MxPx—life in general

At this point, MxPx has released more albums than most entire record labels, but none compares to 1996’s Life in General. I must first of all confess that this was the first punk album I ever purchased, so I am not without bias in my assessment, but even still I have never been able to find a better soundtrack for genuine teenage angst. I am not referring to the type of angst that one would find perhaps on an AFI record (I would describe that more as inner-turmoil), nor the type of "My ex-girlfriend sucks" angst that may be found on a New Found Glory record. No, Life in General looks at the world through the eyes of Joe Teenager, and personifies teenage life in universal ways..

This becomes apparent as soon as the first song begins, when vocalist Mike Herrera sings the opening line, "Emotion is my middle name..." Other standout lines from the album include, "Not always nice, not always mean; my room has never been seen clean; the way I feel is not always how I seem," and "I never did homework after school, did all the things I thought were cool; went out every Friday night, I still do and I'm all right." In short, Life in General is a collection of songs dealing with adolescent dreams, puppy love, youthful frustration and a carefree passion for simply having a good time. But the heartfelt lyrics aren't the only reason to cherish this record. The lightning-fast pop melodies are as catchy and addictive as they come. This album is the total package. .

2)Sublime--(self-titled)

In 2001 I moved to Long Beach to begin attending college at CSULB. I remember one day specifically I was walking along 2nd Street and the song "Santeria" began playing in the background as I passed a clothing boutique. I was already somewhat a fan of Sublime, and I had my favorite songs, but up until that point I had never given their music any deep consideration. However as I walked along that dilapidated sidwalk, passing small independent businesses beneath the warm California sun, something just clicked. Sublime was truly the musical manifestation of life in Long Beach, and not just on account of the obvious songs where Long Beach is mentioned by name. There seems to be a subliminal force living within the very melodies that somehow captures the Long Beach atmosphere in intangible ways. Perhaps I'm just being melodramatic.

It takes a truly gifted group of artists to create a musical representation of a given reality. Anyone can sing about their circumstances and say that it represents something, whether it be life in the inner-city or a struggle with various forms of oppression, but to create music that truly embodies such concepts in multiple dimensions is something quite rare. Perhaps that is why Blues music and Reggae are so powerful. The music of Sublime is the cultural iconic manifestation of Long Beach, CA, presented in the form of song, and the band's self-titled album represents some of their most important work. Songs like "Santeria," "Wrong Way" and "What I Got" are to Long Beach what the music of Marley is to Jamaica.

1) NOFX--so long and thanks for all the shoes

As some of you may know, I have issues with Fat Mike. I have not forgotten about his many slanderous distortions of our current president, nor his constant political vitriol (not to mention his passionate disdain for Republicans and people of faith), but I must concede nonetheless that he is an icon of the punk rock world, and frankly he is as good as it gets. For more than fifteen years he has been fronting one of the most influential punk bands around, a band that has consistently been true to the devil-may-care ruggedness of the genre. He has never sold out to the bigger market, has always done things his own way and continues to this day to write some of the catchiest punk anthems around. His disdain for the music establishment can be heard in his very voice, which would make Simon Cowell vomit, but makes the fans wish they could sing just like him. His high-pitched, congested tones serve as the musical equivalent of flipping the bird to the music industry. Why is this important? Because in its own little way, it demonstrates his sentiments for the status quo in general, whether it be government, social mores, popular culture, or even standards of beauty.

My original intent was to include in this list the album "White Trash, Two Heebs and A Bean," since it well represents their rebellious and not-to-mention humorous side, as illustrated in songs like Please Play This Song on the Radio, Johnny Appleseed, and their hilarious remake of Minor Threat's Straight Edge, as well as some of their catchiest classics like Stickin' In My Eye and Liza and Louise. Looking back, though, I realized that while NOFX has many fantastic albums, the one that impacted me the most, and best represents their versatility in my opinion, is the 1997 album "So Long and Thanks For all the Shoes." While the classic NOFX humor is there, in songs like Monosyllabic Girl, Champs Elysees and the ska-oriented All Outta Angst, the album also contains some incredible heartfelt tracks like Falling In Love, All His Suits Are Torn and Desperation's Gone (which features one of the greatest intros of any punk song). While songs like Murder the Government and It's My Job To Keep Punk Rock Elite represent the classic punk spirit, other songs like Kids of the K-Hole and 180 Degrees are just really catchy. One of my favorite songs on the album, Kill Rock Stars, not only has an addictive melody, but offers a surprising criticism of the feminist movement. And over all, "So Long..." is just a great example of what punk rock is: vocals that aren't always on key, melodies that are simple but catchy, messages that aren't afraid to go against the grain, simple instrumental work, a whole lot of crudeness and a proud disregard for standard conventions of music (for isntance, some of the songs are less than a minute long).

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But these albums of course reflect my personal biases and interests (and also my age, if you haven't noticed). There are countless albums that may be deemed as "essential punk rock," and if you are a fan of the genre, you probably have your own. Here are a few that were suggested to me but some of the contributers at Conservative Punk. I have placed a star next to the really popular choices.

Social Distortion--mommy's little monster*
Operation Ivy--energy
The Clash--london calling
Dead Kennedys--fresh fruits for rotting vegetables*
The Exploited--let's start a war*
Circle Jerks--group sex
Addicts--sound of music
Green Day--dookie
Mindless Self Indulgence--frankenstein girl will seem strangely sexy
Rancid--(self-titled)
Distillers--sing sing death house
Sex Pistols--never mind the bollocks
X--los angeles
The Damned--damned, damned, damned*
The Saints--i'm stranded
The Cramps--songs the lord taught us*
The Stooges--raw power
UK Subs--brand new age
The Buzzcocks--singles going steady
Television--marquee moon
Reagan Youth--a collection of pop classics
Alien Sex Fiends--acid bath
The Vandals--peace through vandalism/when in rome do as the vandals*
Black Flag--damage
Germs-gi
Fishbone--untitled
SOD--speak english or die
Bad Brains--i against i
TSOL--dance with me

Thanks to everyone who contributed.

Dear Blue States



Recently at conservativepunk.com I found this little gem posted on one of the threads. It’s a chain email that beautifully illustrates the elitism of some of our friends in the Blue states, including my own California. Here it is:



Dear Red States...

We've decided we're leaving. We intend to form our own country, and we're taking the other Blue States with us.

In case you aren't aware, that includes Hawaii, Oregon, Washington, Minnesota, Wisconsin, Michigan, Illinois and all the Northeast. We believe this split will be beneficial to the nation, and especially to the people of the new country of New California.

To sum up briefly: You get Texas, Oklahoma and all the slave states.

We get stem cell research and the best beaches. We get Elliot Spitzer. You get Ken Lay.

We get the Statue of Liberty. You get Dollywood.

We get Intel and Microsoft. You get WorldCom.

We get Harvard. You get Ole' Miss.

We get 85 percent of America's venture capital and entrepreneurs. You get Alabama.

We get two-thirds of the tax revenue; you get to make the red states pay their fair share.

Since our aggregate divorce rate is 22 percent lower than the
Christian Coalition's, we get a bunch of happy families. You get a bunch of single moms.

Please be aware that Nuevo California will be pro-choice and anti-war, and we're going to want all our citizens back from Iraq at once. We do wish you success in Iraq, and hope that the WMDs turn up, but we're not willing to spend our resources in Bush's Quagmire.

With the Blue States in hand, we will have firm control of 80 percent of the country's fresh water, more than 90 percent of the pineapple and lettuce, 92 percent of the nation's fresh fruit, 95 percent of America's quality wines (you can serve French wines at state dinners) 90 percent of all cheese, 90 percent of the high tech industry, most of the U.S. low-sulfur coal, all living redwoods, sequoias and condors, all the Ivy and Seven Sisterschools, plus Harvard, Yale, Stanford, Cal Tech and MIT.

With the Red States, on the other hand, you will have to cope with 88 percent of all obese Americans (and their projected health care costs), 92 percent of all U.S. mosquitoes, nearly 100 percent of the tornadoes, 90 percent of the hurricanes, 99 percent of all Southern Baptists, virtually 100 percent of all televangelists, Rush Limbaugh, Bob Jones University, Clemson and the University of Georgia.

We get Hollywood and Yosemite, thank you.

Additionally, 38 percent of those in the Red states believe Jonah was actually swallowed by a whale, 62 percent believe life is sacred unless we're discussing the death penalty or gun laws, 44 percent say that evolution is only a theory, 53 percent that Saddam was involved in 9/11 and 61 percent of you crazy bastards believe you are people with higher morals then we lefties.

By the way, we're taking the good pot, too. You can have that dirt weed they grow in Mexico.



Sincerely,

Author Unknown in New California.




Okay, now I recognize that after the election, some of the disenfranchised liberals had to come up with creative ways to vent their despair, and I’m sure this was one such action, but I thought I would have some fun and write a letter of my own. It’s the same basic proposal, but from a slightly different perspective.

I know it’s ironic and hypocritical that a life-long blue statesman like myself would put together a proposal for disbanding from the Blue, but I find it amusing, and again, it’s mostly intended as a humorous (but fact-based) response to the elitism of the other letter. In other words, it’s just my way of saying “two can play at that game.” One difference you may notice, though, is that unlike the coward who wrote the other letter, I had the decency to include the sources from which I found my statistics.






Dear Blue States...

We've decided we're leaving. We intend to form our own country, and we're taking the other Red States with us.

In case you aren't aware, that includes Alaska, Texas, Ohio, Virginia, Colorado, Florida and all of the south. We believe this split will be beneficial to the nation, and especially to the people of the new country.

To sum up briefly: You get the far west coast and the tip of America's erect penis in the northeast.

We get individual liberty and the best ski resorts. We get Clarence Thomas. You get Dennis Kozlowski.

We get the Alamo. You get Hollywood & Vine.

We get the Vegas nightlife. You get the Rainbow Coalition.

We get Miami Beach. You get Compton.

We get more than 99.9% of America's oil. You get an old gas bag named Ted Kennedy.

Since red states have much higher charitable donation rates, we haven't any need for high taxes; you can keep the IRS.

Since Blue states have much higher divorce and illegitimacy rates than Red states, we get a bunch of happy families. You get a bunch of single moms.

Please be aware that the new country will be pro-freedom and anti-socialist, and it will be nice to be able to focus on success in Iraq without having to listen to the likes of Matt Damon and Susan Sarandon. We do wish you success with the whole "anti-war" thing, and hope that the Islamic extremists have a sudden and miraculous change of heart, but we're not willing to risk the lives of our citizens by pretending an imminent threat doesn't exist.

With the Red States in hand, we will have firm control of most of the country's farmland, more than 90 percent of the cotton, 90 percent of the fresh vegetables, more than two thirds of America's tobacco (our most valuable cash crop), 90 percent of all sugar, oranges, grapefruits, limes and tangerines, 90 percent of the aerospace industry (specifically, that relating to space travel), pretty much all of the country's oil (minus the whopping .01% found in California), only the best in palm trees, barbeque and Southern hospitality, plus the unparalleled parties of Spring Break and Mardi Gras.

However since Democrats are more likely to smoke and more likely to struggle with depression (according to research conducted by George Washington University professor Lee Sigelman), you in the Blue States will have to cope with the projected health care costs, not to mention 92 percent of all U.S. congressional Democrats, nearly 100 percent of transvestites, 90 percent of all Hollywood celebrities, 99 percent of all hippies, virtually 100 percent of all gangsta rappers, Al Franken, The Nation, Harvard and the People for the American Way.

We get Disneyworld and Yellowstone, thank you.

Additionally, 34 percent of those in the Blue states have no problem with union dues being used for political bribes, 64 percent believe in choice (granted that choice doesn’t involve private gun ownership), 42 percent say it’s none of a parent’s damn business if their child wants to have an abortion, 56 percent think the state of Social Security is just fine and a few too many of you bastards think that you rule and Red-statesmen are just a bunch of hicks.

By the way, we’ve got all the good breweries, too, so you can keep your urinal French wine.

Sincerely,

An Embarrassed Californian


Sources:

http://field.com/fieldpollonline/subscribers/Release1929.pdf
http://www.divorcereform.org/94staterates.html
http://absoluteastronomy.com/encyclopedia/L/Li/List_of_oil_fields.htm
http://fujipub.com/fot/working.html
http://www.cotton.org/edu/faq/index.cfm
http://www.florida-farmers.com/importance.htm
http://field.com/fieldpollonline/subscribers/RLS2160.pdf
http://field.com/fieldpollonline/subscribers/RLS2151.pdf
http://michellemalkin.com/archives/000839.htm
http://www.jewishworldreview.com/cols/elder050505.asp