Dear Blue States



Recently at conservativepunk.com I found this little gem posted on one of the threads. It’s a chain email that beautifully illustrates the elitism of some of our friends in the Blue states, including my own California. Here it is:



Dear Red States...

We've decided we're leaving. We intend to form our own country, and we're taking the other Blue States with us.

In case you aren't aware, that includes Hawaii, Oregon, Washington, Minnesota, Wisconsin, Michigan, Illinois and all the Northeast. We believe this split will be beneficial to the nation, and especially to the people of the new country of New California.

To sum up briefly: You get Texas, Oklahoma and all the slave states.

We get stem cell research and the best beaches. We get Elliot Spitzer. You get Ken Lay.

We get the Statue of Liberty. You get Dollywood.

We get Intel and Microsoft. You get WorldCom.

We get Harvard. You get Ole' Miss.

We get 85 percent of America's venture capital and entrepreneurs. You get Alabama.

We get two-thirds of the tax revenue; you get to make the red states pay their fair share.

Since our aggregate divorce rate is 22 percent lower than the
Christian Coalition's, we get a bunch of happy families. You get a bunch of single moms.

Please be aware that Nuevo California will be pro-choice and anti-war, and we're going to want all our citizens back from Iraq at once. We do wish you success in Iraq, and hope that the WMDs turn up, but we're not willing to spend our resources in Bush's Quagmire.

With the Blue States in hand, we will have firm control of 80 percent of the country's fresh water, more than 90 percent of the pineapple and lettuce, 92 percent of the nation's fresh fruit, 95 percent of America's quality wines (you can serve French wines at state dinners) 90 percent of all cheese, 90 percent of the high tech industry, most of the U.S. low-sulfur coal, all living redwoods, sequoias and condors, all the Ivy and Seven Sisterschools, plus Harvard, Yale, Stanford, Cal Tech and MIT.

With the Red States, on the other hand, you will have to cope with 88 percent of all obese Americans (and their projected health care costs), 92 percent of all U.S. mosquitoes, nearly 100 percent of the tornadoes, 90 percent of the hurricanes, 99 percent of all Southern Baptists, virtually 100 percent of all televangelists, Rush Limbaugh, Bob Jones University, Clemson and the University of Georgia.

We get Hollywood and Yosemite, thank you.

Additionally, 38 percent of those in the Red states believe Jonah was actually swallowed by a whale, 62 percent believe life is sacred unless we're discussing the death penalty or gun laws, 44 percent say that evolution is only a theory, 53 percent that Saddam was involved in 9/11 and 61 percent of you crazy bastards believe you are people with higher morals then we lefties.

By the way, we're taking the good pot, too. You can have that dirt weed they grow in Mexico.



Sincerely,

Author Unknown in New California.




Okay, now I recognize that after the election, some of the disenfranchised liberals had to come up with creative ways to vent their despair, and I’m sure this was one such action, but I thought I would have some fun and write a letter of my own. It’s the same basic proposal, but from a slightly different perspective.

I know it’s ironic and hypocritical that a life-long blue statesman like myself would put together a proposal for disbanding from the Blue, but I find it amusing, and again, it’s mostly intended as a humorous (but fact-based) response to the elitism of the other letter. In other words, it’s just my way of saying “two can play at that game.” One difference you may notice, though, is that unlike the coward who wrote the other letter, I had the decency to include the sources from which I found my statistics.






Dear Blue States...

We've decided we're leaving. We intend to form our own country, and we're taking the other Red States with us.

In case you aren't aware, that includes Alaska, Texas, Ohio, Virginia, Colorado, Florida and all of the south. We believe this split will be beneficial to the nation, and especially to the people of the new country.

To sum up briefly: You get the far west coast and the tip of America's erect penis in the northeast.

We get individual liberty and the best ski resorts. We get Clarence Thomas. You get Dennis Kozlowski.

We get the Alamo. You get Hollywood & Vine.

We get the Vegas nightlife. You get the Rainbow Coalition.

We get Miami Beach. You get Compton.

We get more than 99.9% of America's oil. You get an old gas bag named Ted Kennedy.

Since red states have much higher charitable donation rates, we haven't any need for high taxes; you can keep the IRS.

Since Blue states have much higher divorce and illegitimacy rates than Red states, we get a bunch of happy families. You get a bunch of single moms.

Please be aware that the new country will be pro-freedom and anti-socialist, and it will be nice to be able to focus on success in Iraq without having to listen to the likes of Matt Damon and Susan Sarandon. We do wish you success with the whole "anti-war" thing, and hope that the Islamic extremists have a sudden and miraculous change of heart, but we're not willing to risk the lives of our citizens by pretending an imminent threat doesn't exist.

With the Red States in hand, we will have firm control of most of the country's farmland, more than 90 percent of the cotton, 90 percent of the fresh vegetables, more than two thirds of America's tobacco (our most valuable cash crop), 90 percent of all sugar, oranges, grapefruits, limes and tangerines, 90 percent of the aerospace industry (specifically, that relating to space travel), pretty much all of the country's oil (minus the whopping .01% found in California), only the best in palm trees, barbeque and Southern hospitality, plus the unparalleled parties of Spring Break and Mardi Gras.

However since Democrats are more likely to smoke and more likely to struggle with depression (according to research conducted by George Washington University professor Lee Sigelman), you in the Blue States will have to cope with the projected health care costs, not to mention 92 percent of all U.S. congressional Democrats, nearly 100 percent of transvestites, 90 percent of all Hollywood celebrities, 99 percent of all hippies, virtually 100 percent of all gangsta rappers, Al Franken, The Nation, Harvard and the People for the American Way.

We get Disneyworld and Yellowstone, thank you.

Additionally, 34 percent of those in the Blue states have no problem with union dues being used for political bribes, 64 percent believe in choice (granted that choice doesn’t involve private gun ownership), 42 percent say it’s none of a parent’s damn business if their child wants to have an abortion, 56 percent think the state of Social Security is just fine and a few too many of you bastards think that you rule and Red-statesmen are just a bunch of hicks.

By the way, we’ve got all the good breweries, too, so you can keep your urinal French wine.

Sincerely,

An Embarrassed Californian


Sources:

http://field.com/fieldpollonline/subscribers/Release1929.pdf
http://www.divorcereform.org/94staterates.html
http://absoluteastronomy.com/encyclopedia/L/Li/List_of_oil_fields.htm
http://fujipub.com/fot/working.html
http://www.cotton.org/edu/faq/index.cfm
http://www.florida-farmers.com/importance.htm
http://field.com/fieldpollonline/subscribers/RLS2160.pdf
http://field.com/fieldpollonline/subscribers/RLS2151.pdf
http://michellemalkin.com/archives/000839.htm
http://www.jewishworldreview.com/cols/elder050505.asp