I Want To Be Penetrated By Kat Von D



There's a great line in that classic masterpiece of American Cinema known as Tropic Thunder, in which Robert Downey Jr. utters the profound phrase, "You never go full retard." I really should take Mr. Downey's advice, because in life I ALWAYS go full retard.

Let me explain: When I get an idea in my head, it usually snowballs into a crazier idea, and ultimately evolves into an obsession that demands closure. A few months ago, for example, I saw a film by David Lynch (Eraserhead) and decided that I wanted to own a copy of it. Simple enough. But as I began searching stores for the special edition DVD, an idea popped into my head..."You know," I said to myself, "That was a REALLY good movie. I bet his other movies are good too. I need to own all of them." Long story short, I know have every David Lynch film, the entire series of Twin Peaks and about half a dozen Lynch-related posters on my wall. I even thought about doing my hair like Jack Nance in Eraserhead, but then I remembered I have no hair. Seriously, once an idea creeps into my head, watch out...

My latest bout of insanity came this week as I finally concluded that I want to get my first tattoo. That's simple enough, right? NO! Things are never simple with me. First I thought, "Hey, I'd like to get a tattoo on my arm." But after deliberating for a while, I thought to myself, "I want Kat Von D (famed tattoo artist, star of 'LA Ink' and all around goddess) to give me my first tattoo." But then "want" somehow became "need," and now I'm absolutely obsessed with the idea.

I mean, how cool would it be to tell people that I got my first tattoo from Kat Von D? This woman is a celebrity who has inked up practically every notable rock star in LA, and over the last couple of years she has become synonymous with the tattoo industry. Now I realize that getting a tattoo from Kat Von D is a lot like getting a haircut from some Beverly Hills hotshot named Antonio. It's all about bragging rights.

Somehow though, I don't care. I'm going full retard on this one. I've just submitted a request through her website; I will keep you posted. Here's hoping that miracles happen and I can actually get an appointment with the most in-demand tattoo artist on the planet.

The point of my story?

I've spent the last six months obsessing over David Lynch films with deformed women and possessed rabbits, and now I'm willing to pay three times the average rate to have a beautiful woman stick sharp needles into my body. Perhaps I should have just saved all of that money and invested it in some therapy.


UPDATE: I have just learned that Kat Von D is on tour plugging her book. This may require some patience on my part.